Where The Scary Things Are (2022)

The monsters aren’t under your bed

2022’s Where The Scary Things Are is terrible. There’s really not much more to say about the film, but since I review movies on this blog, I’ll give it the ol’ college try. The film was written and directed by B. Harrison Smith, who gave us a host of other classic films like Camp Dread, All I Want For Christmas, and The Fields. I’m not familiar with any of these films myself, but if they are anything like Where The Scary Things Are, I’m not going to waste my time with them. Seriously, the movie was bad, and I’m usually a pretty nice guy when it comes to movie reviews, but I cannot recommend this movie at all.

This review contains spoilers…..

The film is about a group of very unlikable teens and one really annoying preteen that, for some weird reason, is always with them. He carries around a camera and attempts to make viral videos for his YouTube series about battling bums. It’s ridiculous. The group is comprised of boys with nicknames like “Snack” and “Scribble” and one very aggressive, very mean girl named Ayla. She deals with her mother’s boyfriend who makes creepy advances on her and she’s apparently really mad at the world. She’s easily the worst character in the bunch and, while I hate to say this about any young actor, her acting skills are wretched. The kids stumble upon a monster at a scare park that is closed for the season. The older kids are then assigned a class project to create their own urban legend and use the internet to spread it. The kids decide to video the monster eating things and eventually eating people in order to gain internet notoriety. Victims are selected because they are bums or Ayla just doesn’t like them. As the urban legend spreads, the teacher demands that the kids stop their project. They refuse and, spoiler alert, more people die until the creature breaks free and feasts on these evil little turds.

The only redeeming thing about this film is the creature. It is made with practical effects and looks pretty good. Everything else, from acting to directing and writing to character development, is atrocious. I wanted to turn this cinematic dung off but something inside of me kept saying that it would get better. It doesn’t.

Don’t watch this movie.

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Mattel The Hammond Collection: Dr. Ian Malcolm (2022)

“Must go faster….”

It’s been awhile since I posted an action figure review, so please forgive me if this particular one is a few years old. As my longtime readers know, I was very fond of Mattel’s Amber Collection featuring six inch versions of some of the best characters from the Jurassic Park and Jurassic World films. When that line was phased out, it was replaced by a 3.75″ series of figures dubbed The Hammond Collection. The figures looked a lot like their six inch counterparts, some even having the same types of accessories, but details suffered quite a bit in these scaled-down figures. That said, the 2022 release of Dr. Ian Malcolm is a pretty nice figure.

I actually found this figure early last year at one of my local Ollie’s Bargain Outlet. The box was a tad damaged, but that’s not a big deal for a guy like me when it comes to a bargain. I scooped up the figure, happy to finally have the smaller scale version of Dr. Malcolm. The figure has a reasonable likeness to Jeff Goldblum, but the glasses, which aren’t removable, don’t look that great. The clothing on the figure, which includes a removable jacket, looks amazing. The details on the boots are really impressive.

The figure features sixteen points of articulation, allowing for some pretty cool poses. It comes with three accessories, two arms with rolled up shirt sleeves and the iconic flare that Dr. Malcolm uses to erroneously distract the T-Rex. It should be noted that Dr. Malcolm can only hold the flare in his jacketed hands.

The figure is a nice addition to my Jurassic Park collection. I’m only lacking the original 3.75″ Hammond Collection Dr. Alan Grant as far as figures that I want is concerned. I have the six inch version of that figure, but would love to complete my collection of the 3.75″ figures. I’ve included a few more shots of the Dr. Ian Malcolm figure below. Give them a look and decide for yourself whether or not you want to pick up this figure. He’s available for some fairly reasonable prices all over the web.

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Classic Cinema: I Married A Witch (1942)

“Goodbye, Jennifer, be a bad girl.”

Wallace Wooley, running for governor and about to get married to his biggest campaign donor’s daughter, finds himself at the mercy of a pair of witches that have recently been freed from their earthly prison and are intent on making his life miserable in 1942’s hilarious I Married A Witch. The film stars Fredric March as Wallace Wooley, Veronica Lake as Jennifer, Cecil Kellaway as Daniel, Susan Hayward as Estelle Masterson, and Robert Warwick as J.B. Masterson. The movie is based upon an incomplete novel by Thorne Smith and was very popular at the time of its release. It is part of a number of “Best Of” lists including the American Film Institute’s 2000 list of 500 movies nominated for Top 100 Funniest American Movies and the Criterion Collection. The film was also partly an inspiration for the classic TV series Bewitched.

The movie opens in colonial Salem, where Wallace Wooley’s ancestor, Jonathan (also played by March) condemns Daniel and Jennifer to be burned at the stake for witchcraft. Before they are burned, Jennifer curses all Wooley men, stating that they will all make bad choices in romance and marry the wrong woman. Her and her father’s ashes are buried beneath a tree that will imprison them for eternity. We then see more of Wooley’s ancestors (all played by March), marry one wrong woman after another, ultimately ending up in the 1940s where Wallace is about to marry Estelle Masterson, the daughter of J.B. Masterson, in a political power move by Masterson. Wallace doesn’t really love Estelle and she doesn’t care for him, either. Daniel and Jennifer are freed from their arboreal prison when lightning strikes the tree, and they immediately set out for revenge against any Wooley descendants that they can find. Jennifer decides to seduce Wallace, but, being a man of honor, even though he and Estelle do not love each other, he resists every attempt she makes. She ultimately resorts to using a love potion to win him over, but drinks the potion herself whenever Wallace tries to revive her when she is knocked out by a falling painting of Wallace’s ancestor. She falls hard for Wallace and he ultimately falls for her. When she realizes that her love for him is real, her father becomes angry and resorts to extreme measures, including faking his own murder, to try and destroy Wallace and his career. The result is a lighthearted romantic comedy that mixes witchcraft with whimsy.

This isn’t the type of film that I normally review, but I really did enjoy I Married A Witch. All of the cast did a great job and the special effects were perfect for the time period. This is a funny movie with some surprisingly adult moments that young audiences won’t pick up on, and plenty of humor for the entire family. Give it a shot. Oh, and for some real fun, check out the film’s IMDb trivia section for some crazy antics that took place behind the scenes.

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Classic Cinema: One Week (1920)

“Good luck. You’ll Need It!”

Newlyweds (Buster Keaton and Sybil Seely) are gifted Lot 99, a Build-It-Yourself house, and a lot of chaos in 1920’s hilarious One Week. The silent short was Buster Keaton’s first independently released film and has a number of notable stunts and one rather racy scene that made censors of the day very nervous. The short also starred Joe Roberts in a small role as a piano delivery man and an unknown actor who portrays Seely’s rejected love interest who swaps the numbers on the house building kit, causing the chaotic moments in the film.

In the film, Keaton attempts to build his home following a series of numbered boxes. The jilted lover of Seely paints over the numbers of some of the boxes and Keaton builds the house out of order. This causes the house to be constructed in a haphazard fashion, with doors on the second floor that open to the outside, a leaky roof, and a slanted awning over the front porch. While hosting a house warming, a storm strikes and literally spins the house, tossing Keaton, Seely, and all of their guests out of the home. The couple then learn that they have constructed their home on Lot 66, not Lot 99, and have to move their home across the railroad tracks. This leads to an altercation with a train and a hilarious attempt at towing the house down the street.

The film is notable due to the fact that it features Buster Keaton’s first filmed “wall falling” stunt where one side of the home falls on top of him, only to have him standing in a doorway and the wall falling safely around him. The first known use of this stunt was in 1919’s Back Stage, where a wall falls down on Fatty Arbuckle in a similar fashion. Keaton was in that film as well. Keaton would use the gag two more times, in 1922’s The Blacksmith and most notably in 1928’s Steamboat Bill, Jr. The film is also the first movie to shoot a scene utilizing a camera revolving 360 degrees per IMDb. All of the stunts in the film used full sized props, including the house.

Aside from the falling wall, spinning house, and numerous other gags in the film, the movie garnered a lot of attention for a somewhat racy scene in which Seely is taking a bath and drops the soap. Although she was covered in the scene (you can actually see the fabric protecting her “lady parts”), the fact that she is supposed to be nude in the tub caught the attention of the censors. Keaton made the “risque” scene intentionally funny, with Seely giving a knowing look to the audience, breaking the fourth wall, and then having a hand appear over the camera lens while Seely retrieves the soap. While it seems tame, and even a bit cute, today, it was very risque for its time.

Of all of Keaton’s legendary films, One Week is one of the best. It’s an early example of a true comedic master’s work and showcases the stunt work of not only Keaton, but of Seely as well. I highly recommend this short and hope that you give it a look.

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Wolvesbayne (2009)

“What’d you do to me?!?!?!?”

It might be a TV movie released on the SyFy Channel, but 2009’s Wolvesbayne is actually a pretty decent flick. I recently watched it on Amazon Prime and I really enjoyed it. Sure, the CGI effects are a little bit hokey and the dialogue is rough at times, but there’s just something about this film that captivated me. I’m sure that a lot of people will compare it to Underworld, but Wolvesbayne stands on its on as a solid little horror/action film.

In the film, Russell Bayne (Jeremy London), a selfish sleazeball that’s gobbling up property in New Orleans, gets thrust into the thick of a battle between humans, vampires, and werewolves when he is turned into a werewolf. A rogue group of vampires headed up by Von Griem (Mark Dacascos) are collecting amulets that, when united, will bring their powerful goddess, Lilith (Yancy Butler), back from her eternal prison. Attempting to stop them are a collective of vampire elders that want to prevent her return. There’s also a group of highly trained human assassins led by Jacob Van Helsing (Rhett Giles) that are trying to stop Von Griem, and they’ve made an uneasy alliance with the vampire elders and Bayne, who gets a crash course in being a werewolf by Alex Layton (Christy Carlson Romano), a passive werewolf who agrees to join the fight as well. Will the humans, good vampires, and werewolves stop Von Griem or will the fur fly when Lilith unleashes her power on her enemies? Check out Wolvesbayne for yourself and see who wins the war!

Seriously, if this film had a slightly better budget for the CGI effects, a tad bit better direction, and perhaps some stronger dialogue, it would have been an excellent film. It’s not bad as is, thanks primarily to the performances of London, Romano, and Giles, and the decent practical effects and makeup. Dacascos and Butler are wasted a bit. Dacascos does a lot of glaring and not much else in the film, save for one epic battle where he gets to show off his martial arts skills. Butler has very limited screen time and most of it is spent threatening and/or killing people. The supporting cast is pretty good and the music is very good.

If you want to watch a decent film full of vampires, a couple of werewolves, and Kim Possible, Wolvesbayne is the film that you need to watch. It’s not the best film out there, but it is a very solid made-for-TV film.

Thanks for checking out my review.

The Long Walk (2025)

“May God reward your bravery.”

2025’s The Long Walk, based upon the 1979 Stephen King novel of the same name, isn’t a bad film. It isn’t that good, either. Its premise is somewhat convoluted. A group of fifty boys, one from each state, is selected to participate in a walk that starts somewhere near the Canadian border and continues until only one boy remains. If a boy fails to keep the recommended pace, he is given a warning. On the third time that he fails, he gets his ticket…..he gets killed. If he goes off of the path for too long, he gets killed. If he shows any type of defiance, he is severely warned and then killed if he doesn’t change his tune. The final boy wins a large cash prize and is granted one wish. This is meant to inspire the people in the United States which is currently in a severe depression following another civil war. Sounds sort of silly, right? Well, it is, at least to me.

The crazy thing is that the movie isn’t that bad thanks to the simply amazing performances of Cooper Hoffman and David Jonsson. They play the two primary protagonists in the film, Ray and Pete, respectively. They manage to make a paper-thin plot that is spread out over one hundred plus grueling minutes somewhat interesting. There’s also some great supporting work by Tut Nyot, Garrett Wareing, Charlie Plummer, and Ben Wang. The only real weak performance in the film is that of Mark Hamill, initially unrecognizable as the Major, the grouchy antagonist of the film. I just don’t buy Hamill’s “tough guy” persona in the film. He was miscast in my opinion.

The film is obviously very bleak and depressing, but it misses the heart of other King adaptations like Stand By Me and the sheer agony of movies like The Mist. Sure, there’s the token foul mouths of youngsters that you come to expect in works based upon King’s stories and quite a bit of violence as well, but something is missing, and that something is a solid plot. Aside from some excellent (at times) cinematography and the great performances of the main cast, there’s not a lot to like about this film. Sometimes I believe that recent adaptations of King’s work have been given a pass based upon King’s longevity and the popularity of his books and many of the film adaptations of his work. Maybe that’s just me.

Is The Long Walk worth a look? Yes, especially to see the performance of Jonsson. Otherwise, you aren’t really missing anything with this King adaptation.

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Rec (2007)

“I can’t slide down there with the camera.”

Oh, but Pablo does manage to get down there with the camera, and upstairs backwards with the camera, and even gets chased by fast zombies with the camera in 2007’s much loved Rec, a Spanish found footage film starring Manuela Velasco, Pablo Rosso, and Ferran Terraza. As my regular readers know, I’m not a fan of found footage films for the most part, and while Rec is a pretty good film, the whole concept of “found footage” ruined it for me. I’m in the minority on this, however, as the film birthed three sequels and an American remake that also had one sequel.

In the film, Velasco portrays Angela Vidal, the host of a series called While You’re Asleep that follows people around while they are doing their jobs at night. For the episode in the film, Angela and her cameraman, Pablo (Rosso), spend the evening with a crew of firemen and they are assigned to record the duties of Manu and Alex. After a long night of interviewing firefighters, watching them eat, sleep, and play basketball, Manu and Alex finally get a call to assist a woman that has been locked in her apartment and is screaming for help. When they arrive on the scene, two police officers are dealing with the other residents of the apartment complex on the street level. The police, firefighters, and Angela and Pablo make their way up the stairs to the room where the elderly woman is found acting erratically and covered in blood. When one of the officers approaches her, she attacks him, violently biting into his neck. Alex stays behind with the woman while the rest of the group head back downstairs to try and get the injured officer to an ambulance, but when they attempt to leave the building, they find that the doors have been blockaded and authorities tell them that the building has been quarantined. Soon after this, Alex slams into the ground after falling (or being tossed) from the floor on which he was watching the woman. Bleeding profusely but somehow still alive, he and the attacked officer are taken to an area to be patched up by a doctor that lives in the complex. Things escalate as the night goes on, and we watch it all unfold from the lens of Pablo’s camera. What follows is a mix of fast-paced horror blended with science and Catholicism. How does it all end? Watch Rec to find out what happens in the apartment complex from Hell!

This really could have been an excellent zombie film, but the found footage angle totally ruined it for me. Much like Cloverfield and every other found footage film out there, there’s a guy, in this case it’s Pablo, that’s carrying around a camera the entire time and instead of setting it down and helping as much as possible, he only sets it down a couple of times when the Manu and others demand his help. It’s ludicrous for a guy to “keep the film rolling” while being chased by bloodthirsty zombies. Had this element been removed, I would have enjoyed Rec a whole lot more.

The cast is really excellent, especially Velasco, who comes off as a bit of a snob at the beginning of the film and then quickly spirals into a delirious and desperate woman. I also enjoyed the performances of the complex residents, who were all fairly stereotypical citizens that brought humor and heart to the film. The zombie effects were very good as well.

Despite a strong cast, cool zombies, and a solid script, Rec fell flat for me for the same reason that almost all found footage films fail: the annoying guy who won’t put the camera down long enough to really do anything. If you’re okay with this concept, you’ll probably love Rec. If you’re more like me, watch the film for the great performances of the cast.

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The Snow Demon (2026)

“Last year, winter brought him…..”

Written by C.M. Wright and directed by Dominic Nutter, The Snow Demon (2026)is an above average creature feature that embraces practical effects, but falls short with its story. It stars Gina Smith, Belle Taylor, Francesca Weir, Jessie Vinning, and Ben Maddocks. It co-stars Renny Mendoza and Jenny Miller, with Jamiyka Jones in the suit as the creature. The film was produced by ChampDog Films, It is currently available to watch for free on Tubi.

In the film, a group of friends return to the place where their friend, Lila, went missing and was never found a year prior, to light candles to guide her spirit home. None of them are particularly spiritual, and it is mentioned that they made fun of Lila about her beliefs, but they do this in order show her respect and to honor her life. There’s also a folklorist (Mendoza) in the same area, doing research for his book. He bumps into Harper (Taylor) while she’s taking a run on the trail near the cabin where the group is staying. He fills Harper in on the legendary beast that supposedly stalks the forest and they go their separate ways. Later that evening, as the group is holding their ceremony for Lila, they hear a blood-curdling cry come from the forest. Thinking it’s the folklorist, Harper and Rowan (Maddocks) go to help him. When they arrive at the scene of the attack, they find that some legends are true.

The film really isn’t that bad. Taylor gives the best performance in the film in my opinion. The rest of the cast do just fine. I didn’t like the way that the story set up a great subplot with the folklorist and then tossed it entirely too quickly in my opinion. I also didn’t care for the flimsy “final girl” set up that could have been much better. What I really loved about the film is the practical effects. The wolf, while obviously a suit, looked great. I wish that the mouth on the suit worked better and I also wasn’t a fan of how the creature pawed at its victims for what seemed like a very long time before chomping into them. I also really enjoyed the snow effects and gore.

Overall, The Snow Demon isn’t a shabby horror flick. If you like practical effects and traditional creature features, you’ll like this film. I want to see more of Belle Taylor’s work and I’d love to see a sequel to this film. Thanks for checking out my review.

Cult Classic: Cutting Class (1989)

“No cutting class!”

Brad Pitt becomes Suspect #1 in one of his earliest starring roles in 1989’s Cutting Class. The film also starred Jill Schoelen, Donovan Leitch, Brenda Lynn Klemme, and Dirk Blocker. The film also featured Roddy McDowall and Martin Mull in small roles, adding some star power to the production. The movie was written by Steve Slavkin and directed by Rospo Pallenberg. Pallenberg is best known for his screenwriting skills, having penned Excalibur and The Emerald Forest, among other films.

In the movie, Paula Carson (Schoelen) has the house to herself while her father, District Attorney Carson (Mull) is on a hunting trip. Paula’s boyfriend, Dwight (Pitt), has plans for the two of them while her father is away. Problems arise, however, when a returning student, Brian, begins to have feelings for Paula. Brian has been freshly released from a mental hospital and has a history with Dwight. Both of them have difficulties in school. Dwight struggles with his grades and blows a shot at an athletic scholarship. Brian is the “weird” student that can’t make friends. It doesn’t help that the faculty at the school is loaded with perverts, jerks, and tyrants. This sets the stage for a series of murders that occur. Is Brian still insane? Has Dwight cracked? Maybe the janitor is the murderer? Watch Cutting Class to find out what goes down at the high school!

Sadly, the movie struggles to find a rhythm. It has slapstick level comedy at times and then very dark and unhinged moments. It also features a fairly lame slasher. The only real treats in the film were trying to figure out who the killer is and poor Martin Mull. Mull alone seemed to know exactly what this film was, and his performance reflected this. The rest of the cast was okay, but nothing too amazing. Roddy McDowall was absolutely creepy as Mr. Dante. The kills were dull despite being very dramatic at times and the music just okay. Overall, not a “need to see” slasher, but if you like the genre or the history of Brad Pitt’s acting career, you might want to watch this film.

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Heretic (2024)

“Religion is just a system of control.”

Hugh Grant plays a man with ill intentions who invites two young female Mormon missionaries into his home in 2024’s Heretic. The two young ladies are portrayed by Sophie Thatcher and Chloe East, both of whom grew up within the Mormon faith in their real lives. The film was released by A24 and co-written and directed by Scott Beck and Bryan Woods.

In the film, Sister Paxton (East) and Sister Barnes (Thatcher) are on a missionary trip in Boulder, Colorado and they encounter the warm but odd Mr. Reed (Grant), who invites him into his home where he assures them that his wife is in the kitchen preparing a blueberry pie. The ladies are not allowed to enter a home without a female partner present, so they enter the home with a bit of hesitation. Once inside, things slowly become stranger as Mr. Reed challenges the faith of the young ladies. Soon enough, Srs. Paxton and Barnes become frightened and determine to escape from Mr. Reed’s home. When they realize that they cannot escape due to timed locks and they can’t call out due to the metal in the walls, the missionaries accept the challenge of a game from Mr. Reed. If they succeed, they win their freedom. If they fail, who knows what awaits them? Check out Heretic for a wonderfully nerve-wracking time.

Heretic isn’t a perfect film, but it sure is fun to watch. Hugh Grant’s disarming and eccentric delivery quickly turns into a sinister friendliness, if that makes any sense. Sophie Thatcher’s performance is cold, calculated, and confident. I especially enjoyed her deconstruction of Mr. Reed’s challenges not only to her Mormon faith, but of Christianity, Judaism, and Islam. While I am personally not well-versed on the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints, I do know my Catholic faith, and I laughed a bit whenever Mr. Reed offered his comparisons of Christianity to Mithras, Horus, and more. All of these arguments have been snuffed out for some time, so I am curious if the writers simply googled “arguments against Christianity” or they intentionally chose the weak arguments presented in the film. Theology aside, the film is very entertaining and Srs. Paxton and Barnes were easy to cheer for in the film. Chloe East did an especially amazing job as Sister Paxton, with her character becoming the strongest in the film as far as I’m concerned. Also keep an eye out for a wonderful and unexpected cameo from a well-known sitcom star who has had a marvelous career in film as well.

No matter what your status is when it come to faith and religion, I think that you’ll enjoy Heretic. It’s one of my favorite movies from the last few years, and its core story of control and self-empowerment plays out with perfection.

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