Halloween Bites! Netherbeast Incorporated

“He’s a vampire and I’m not.”

Corporate America is full of bloodsucking, vile people willing to step on anybody that stands in their way on the road to success. Berm-Tech is full of bloodsuckers as well, but they are all pretty nice folks that get along quite well with one another……and they’re all vampires. in 2007’s Netherbeast Incorporated, the vampire employees of Berm-Tech find themselves in quite the pickle whenever employees at every level begin to vanish, the Netherstone is stolen (more on that later), and the CEO, who happens to be losing his mind, hires a human employee and an efficiency expert that employees see as a threat to their livelihood. Otto (Steve Burns) starts to have feelings for the human hire named Pearl (Amy Davidson) and together they team up with other employees to find out what’s happening to the missing employees. What happens? Watch Netherbeast Incorporated to find out what’s really going down at Berm-Tech!

The film is a lighthearted horror comedy that focuses on the oddities and quirks of office workers with a vampire twist. It also expands and changes a few things about vampire lore. The whodunit aspect of the film is pretty easy to solve, but the real fun in this film is the working hacks in the office. Otto is intelligent and nice. He’s also a bit awkward around Pearl. His best friend, “Waxy” Dan Paraffin (Jay Mewes from the Jay and Silent Bob Askewniverse), attempts to help him let Pearl down easy. Darrell Hammond plays CEO Turner Claymore, who makes a lot of really bad decisions (like most CEOs at some point), but he also has a lot of heart and cares for his employees (unlike many real world CEOs). Other working stiffs include Bob Rue as Bunyan Pritchett, Dave Foley as Henry Welby, and Robyn Allen as Rebecca Sibley. Judd Nelson portrays the overly positive efficiency expert, Steven P.D. Landry.

When you really boil down to it, the vampires in Netherbeast Incorporated are actually much better humans than real world humans working in an office. They try their best to get along with one another and protect each other as well. Sure, they have their quibbles, but they are ultimately a very close-knit family. Employees and corporate dogs of today would do well to try to imitate the best qualities of the Berm-Tech employees, and that’s sort of a shame. Oh, and as far as the Netherstone is considered, when the vampires get too far away from it, they can die. That’s why it’s important when the stone goes missing in the film!

I enjoyed this film a lot. It’s funny, features a great cast (including some sweet cameos), and forces us as humans to look at what we should strive to be: better humans. Check out this flick. I think that you’ll enjoy it.

Halloween Bites! Bad Blood (2021)

“I’m hungry.”

When police discover a young boy on the streets of Manchester feeding on a dog, they bring him to social services where he is put under the care of Marjorie (Laura Montgomery Bennett). Marjorie recently lost her last charge to suicide, and she’s willing to do anything keep this new boy, Nathan (Lennon Leckey), alive. As pressure mounts from boss and a co-worker and she struggles to make a connection with Nathan, she realizes what she must do: feed Nathan, who happens to be a vampire. What lengths will she go to to ensure that Nathan is fed well? Watch Bad Blood to find out just how far she’ll go!

Bad Blood, also known as Boy #5, is a 2021 independent film written and directed by Eric Steele. It stars Bennett, Leckey, Brian Dunne, Tosca Bell, Michael Kehoe, and Natasha Lucia Rea. Steele does a fine job of working within the limits of his budget, getting solid performances from all of his cast members, especially Bennett and Rea. The horror elements don’t really kick in until the film’s final act, when a certain character spirals into madness. That spiral, by the way, is handled extremely well by the actor whose character goes down into it.

The film is a slow burner, so don’t go into it expecting fast-paced action. There are a number of sequences that involve a lot of talking and silence. Leckey does a lot of brooding and sulking in the film. That said, it’s still a very enjoyable film and I believe that you should check it out for yourself.

Halloween Bites! Twins Of Evil

“The devil has sent me twins of evil!”

The legendary Peter Cushing heads up the Puritanical Brotherhood as they hunt down and burn “witches” at the stake in 1971’s Twins Of Evil. But what does he do when his twin nieces come to live with him after their parents pass away and one of them decides to give herself over to the wicked Count Karnstein, rumored to be a devil worshiper? You’ll have to watch Twins Of Evil to find out what happens!

Cushing portrays Gustav Weil in the film. His nieces, Freida and Maria (twins Madeleine and Mary Collinson, respectively) come to live with him and his wife, Katy (Kathleen Byron). Freida finds Gustav’s Brotherhood to be oppressive and evil. She has a rebellious spirit and does everything she can to anger her uncle. Maria, while not liking the Brotherhood or the domineering ways of her uncle, is more complacent and a generally quite young woman. Both women attract the attention of the local men, and Count Karnstein (Damien Thomas) decides that he must have them, partly because he’s always looking for a new woman to fool around with and also because he often locks horns with Weil. Freida, drawn to the count’s bad boy image, seeks out his companionship. What she discovers is that the count is actually a vampire and she decides to join him in his reign of terror and debauchery. Weil, assisted by the Brotherhood and a local school teacher, Anton (David Warbeck), who has fallen for Freida, heads out to destroy the count. I’ll stop right there as I believe that you should see this film.

This is a very well done Hammer production. The sets are beautiful and atmospheric and the music is excellent. Sure, the historical accuracy of the film is all over the place, but that’s easy enough to look beyond thanks to some wonderful acting by Cushing, the Collinson sisters, Warbeck, and Thomas. The twins are very beautiful, as are the rest of the women in this film, and director John Hough uses this to the film’s advantage, highlighting the beauty of the women in wispy clothing and hinting briefly at lesbianism (which is a running theme in all three of the Hammer Karnstein Trilogy films). The story is also enjoyable, as it gives us a hero in Cushing’s Weil, but he’s far from perfect.

It would have been very easy for Hough to focus on the female cast to pull in the 18-34 demographic, but instead, he chose to build a great story, develop the characters in a way that we can appreciate and understand them, and then present it all in a really good film. This is one of the better Hammer films that I’ve watched, and I highly recommend it.

Halloween Bites! Condemned To Live

“You swooned, Master!”

Condemned To Live is a 1935 thriller that puts a new twist on the vampire myth. The supernatural elements of vampirism are stripped away and it is treated instead as if it were an illness passed through generations after someone is bitten by a vampire bat. One side effect of the illness is that those who suffer from it lack any memories of what they do while under the influence of vampirism. A small village is being terrorized by something or someone who may be suffering from this form of vampirism, but who is the culprit?

The film stars Ralph Morgan as Professor Kristan, a kind doctor who is well-loved in the small village in which he lives. His greatest ally is Zan (Mischa Auer), who protects his master at all costs and is accused of being the vampire terrorizing the village. Maxine Doyle stars as Marguerite, Professor Kristan’s fiance and the lifelong friend of David (Russell Gleason), who believes that the vampire that is attacking the villagers is nothing more than a normal human being. Pedro de Cordoba appears in the film as Dr. Bizet, who knows the real story behind the vampire murders and tries to save the one causing the murders.

The film is pretty good. The mysterious identity of the killer is quite obvious, and the plot is somewhat predictable. That said, this isn’t a bad film. It is definitely a lesser film when compared to other vampire films of the 1930s, but it is worth a look. It’s available on a number of free streaming services and on home video.

Halloween Bites! Eat Locals

“I’m no racist. I’ll kill anyone.”

Vampire lords gather in a small country farmhouse to discuss their quotas and who is and isn’t keeping within the limits. There can only be eight lords at a time, and one of them will soon be exiting the ranks, so a potential new member is brought to the meeting as a replacement. The meeting doesn’t go very well whenever one of the lords votes against bringing in the new member. Things get even worse whenever a squadron shows up to kill all of the vampires and capture one alive…..for purposes that I won’t reveal. The vampires go on the attack and attempt to survive the night. Who lives? Who dies? Why do the soldiers want to capture one of the vampires? Watch 2017’s Eat Locals and see what happens next!

The film is loaded with British actors known for their work on the big and small screens. The cast includes Charlie Cox, Freema Agyeman, Eve Myles, Tony Curran, Mackenzie Crook, Ruth Jones, and many, many more popular actors. There’s a decent amount of horror in the movie and the action is fast-paced. There’s also quite a bit of humor in this movie as well. Charlie Cox is the big standout for me in this movie and Eve Myles is as lovely as ever. All of the cast do fine jobs.

The film is directed by Jason Flemyng in his directorial debut. The movie has an unbelievably low rating on a number of review sites and, to be quite honest, I have no idea as to why this is. The film is no masterpiece but it is definitely fun to watch. If you want your vampires with a bit of humor swirled about with gore and violence, Eat Locals is for you.

Halloween Bites! Vampire Cleanup Department

“VCDs, DVDs, Nor Blu-rays!”

Young Tim, who doesn’t even believe in the existence of vampires, quickly finds himself as part of the Vampire Cleanup Department (2017), a secret group of vampire hunters that patrol Hong Kong, eliminating any vampire threats that should arise. Tim’s parents once headed up the department and both died due to becoming infected by vampires just prior to his birth. As a result, Tim is neither human nor vampire and he is immune to the vampire’s bite. The VCD needs new members, and Tim’s “Uncle” Chung believes that it is time to recruit Tim. Another member of the squad, Yip Chau, doesn’t think that Tim is ready or even capable of becoming a member of the team, but he has other reasons to resist Tim’s joining the group.

During Tim’s first mission with the group, the team encounters an ancient and powerful vampire landlord and his servant girl, who was forcibly buried with him. While the manages to escape, Tim and the rest of the VCD capture the servant girl and vring her back to the VCD headquarters for disposal. Another attack happens, and the group leaves Tim behind to burn the body of the girl. While the group is gone, however, Tim learns that he can communicate with the girl. He hides her in his home and begins to train her to become more human. As he studies her, he begins to fall in love with her. Unfortunately for Tim and the VCD, the landlord wants his servant back, and he’ll destroy all of Hong Kong if he must in order to get her back. Can the VCD stop the landlord? Will Tim prove his worth with the rest of the team? Watch the surprisingly enjoyable Vampire Cleanup Department to see what happens!

This film is a nice blend of horror, action, and comedy. It is its own beast, but it is also a nod to 1985’s Mr. Vampire. The vampires in the film stick their arms straight out in front of them and hop around like rabbits. The landlord vampire only briefly hops and is much more sinister than the other vampires in the film. The acting is superb. I really liked Babyjohn Choi as Tim. He was funny when the scene called for it and dramatic when necessary. I also enjoyed the performances of Chin Siu-ho as Yip, Richard Ng as Uncle Chung, and Lin Men Chen as Summer. The rest of the cast was also superb.

Vampire Cleanup Department is a fun film that’s full of action and some decent horror. It’s not your typical vampire hunter flick, but it is definitely worth checking out if you haven’t seen it yet.

Halloween Bites! Love Bites

“Good night, good morning…….whatever.”

As I’ve been stumbling down a vampire rabbit hole looking for films to highlight in this year’s Thirty-One Days O’Horror, I’ve found quite a few gems. I’ve also found a few stinkers that won’t see the light of day. Then there are a few films that are just too unique to pass up even though they may not be an exceptional film. Love Bites (1993) is one of those films. It stars rocker Adam Ant as the really friendly and likeable Zachary Simms, a vampire who just woke up from a long one hundred year nap in the home of Kendall Gordon (Kimberly Foster), who didn’t know that her home had a secret crypt. Kendall is in a complicated relationship and has just agreed to marry her boyfriend, Dwight Putnam (Roger Rose). When Zachary appears in her life, however, she starts to fall for him.

When Dwight finds out that Kendall is seeing another man, he hires Vinnie Helsting (Philip Bruns) to get dirt on him. Zachary, meanwhile, has decided to become human again, which is apparently a thing that vampires can do, and he and Kendall do all sorts of things together to bring him back to the land of the living. He even gets a job at Dwight’s firm and proves to be simply amazing at his work. Sadly, the more human Zachary becomes, the less likeable he gets. To make things go even more sideways, Zachary’s old love, Nerissa (Michelle Forbes) shows up and decides to “revamp” Zachary. Watch Love Bites to find out what happens next!

This isn’t a great film. It’s only mildly entertaining to be honest. I had a few laughs here and there and kept thinking to myself: This is a Hallmark movie with a vampire tossed in it. But why watch the film? Because Michelle Forbes does a great job as Nerissa and Adam Ant is just too brilliant to ignore as Zachary Simms. He’s so sugary sweet and playing against type that I just had to finish watching the film. I recommend watching this film strictly because it is just so freaking bizarre. Give it a chance. It might surprise you.

Halloween Bites! The Vampire Bat

“Don’t let the vampires get you.”

Skillfully blending horror, science fiction, and a dash of comedy, 1933’s The Vampire Bat punches well above its weight class. The film, released by Majestic Pictures, is a fine example of a poverty row film company utilizing everything in its arsenal to make a film that was just as good, if not better, than the multitude of productions from the major studios at the time. The production shot much of the film on existing Universal Studios sets from popular movies like Frankenstein and The Old Dark House. It also managed to nab popular and established major studio actors such as Lionel Atwill, Dwight Frye, and Fay Wray, who would appear in eleven films in 1933 including starring in the legendary King Kong. It was written by Edward T. Lowe, Jr. (House Of Frankenstein, House Of Dracula) and directed by Frank R. Strayer.

In the film, a string of mysterious murders are occurring in the small village of Kleinschloss. Victims are found drained of their blood and have puncture wounds on their necks. Talk of a large vampire bat and/or a vampire being the culprit is running rampant through the village, with fingers being pointed at a number of people including the simple-minded Hermann (Dwight Frye), a gentle man who keeps bats as pets. Trying to break the case, inspector Karl Brettschneider (Melvyn Douglas) believes that there is a human killer on the loose and not a vampire. Dr. Otto von Niemann (Atwill) studies the bodies of the victims in an attempt to assist Brettschneider. Brettschneider’s love interest, Ruth (Wray), works for the Dr. von Niemann. When the true murderer is revealed, the story takes a dark turn. Is a vampire murdering the villagers of Kleinschloss? Is something even more sinister happening in the village? Watch The Vampire Bat to see what happens!

Being a huge fan of Universal Studios’ classic monster films and loving actors such as Atwill, Wray, and Frye, it was a no-brainer for me to check out The Vampire Bat. The film is very well done and features a great amount of humor that isn’t found in many of its contemporaries. The story is well executed and interesting as well. I really enjoyed this movie and think that you will enjoy it as well.

Be sure to check out The Vampire Bat. As of this writing, it is available on a number of free streaming services including Pluto TV. It could easily be slipped into a Universal Monsters movie night and viewers wouldn’t even realize that its from a poverty row studio.

Halloween Bites! Queen Of The Damned

“Boo……”

Something of a sequel to 1994’s Interview With The Vampire and cobbled together from the second (The Vampire Lestat) and third (Queen Of The Damned) novels of Anne Rice’s Vampire Chronicles, 2002’s Queen Of The Damned is a mess. Stuart Townsend takes over the role of Lestat from Tom Cruise and Aaliyah portrays the titular character, known to her vampire children as Akasha. The rest of the cast includes Marguerite Moreau, Vincent Perez, Lena Olin, Paul McGann, Claudia Black, and Christian Manon. Antonio Banderas’ role of Armand is taken over by Matthew Newton.

In the film, Lestat awakens in the modern world and is inspired by…..nu metal. He forms a band with some mortals and his music in turn gives new life to Akasha, the first vampire and the mother of all vampires. Lestat also challenges his fellow vampires to come out of the shadows and expose their kind to humanity. This causes a rift between the vampire race, with many vampires intent on killing Lestat and Akasha wanting to lay waste to any vampire that stands in her way as she drinks all of humankind dry. Hoping to stop Akasha is a small group of ancient vampires that include Marius (Perez), Maharet (Olin), Armand (Newton), Pandora (Black), and others. Oh, and then there’s the human caught in the middle of it all, Jesse (Moreau), who begins the film as a researcher intent on finding out if Lestat is really a vampire and winds up as one of the primary pieces in the film’s climax. The plot is all over the place, downright silly at times, but there are a few saving graces for the film.

Townsend does a really good job as Lestat. He’s not quite as flamboyant or sadistically funny as Cruise’s Lestat, but he works in this film. Perez and Olin also give very great performances. Newton looks more like Armand from the books, but he doesn’t have much of a role in this film. Neither does Claudia Black as Pandora. Aaliyah slithers around a lot and doesn’t do much else. She’s the most powerful ancient vampire around and, to be quite honest, gets taken out rather easily despite being able to set vampires on fire at will. Poor Marguerite Moreau sucks the life out of every scene. She’s a much better actress than this film shows her to be, and that’s a real shame.

As someone who read the first few entries in the Vampire Chronicles, I’ve always believed that Lestat becoming a rock star was a ridiculous idea. It was so ridiculous to me that I gave up on the series. Of course, the film took things a step farther by having Lestat become a nu metal rock star and that’s even more unbelievable. It’s equal parts dumb MTV video and mild horror. In short, this movie is pretty bad.

Watch Queen Of The Damned for the performances of Townsend, Olin, Perez, and Newton. Skip it for the bad music, terrible plot, and weak ending.

Halloween Bites! My Best Friend Is A Vampire

“This blood’s for you.”

Sometimes all you need is a lighthearted horror comedy to put you in a good mood. 1987’s My Best Friend Is A Vampire is the perfect film to do just that. Rated PG, it’s a fairly family-friendly comedy that has a little bit of action, a little bit of romance, and a few light scares. The raciest moment in the film takes place near the beginning when our hero/vampire, Jeremy (Robert Sean Leonard) is seduced by the slightly older and very beautiful Nora (Cecilia Peck), who is wearing lingerie. She bites him on the neck and is then promptly dispatched by a crazed vampire hunter named Leopold McCarthy (David Warner) and his inept assistant, Grimsdyke (Paul Willson). The duo then set out to kill Jeremy, but misidentify him as his best friend, Ralph (Evan Mirand). While all of this is going on, Jeremy is falling for the nerdy and lovely Darla (Cheryl Pollak), and being trained for his new afterlife by Modoc (Rene Auberjonois), his vampire counselor.

The film is pretty funny and, to be quite honest, I didn’t know that it even existed until just a few days ago despite the fact that I’m a fan of Auberjonois, Pollak, and Warner. Leonard would go on to have a very solid career in film and on television. Auberjonois was already on a successful series, Benson, and would go on to appear in Star Trek: Deep Space Nine. Pollak, despite being a very good actress and having good looks to boot, continuously works but hasn’t become a major star. Kathy Bates has a small role as Pollak’s mother in the film as well.

The film has a pretty straightforward message of accepting people as they are, but some people also see it as having a deeper message of accepting homosexuals. In fact, Jeremy’s parents believe that he may be homosexual and try their best to support him and his new, weird behaviors. The movie plays fast and loose with the rules of vampirism. For instance, Jeremy and Modoc are sensitive to light, but can move about in daylight freely. Garlic burns them, they have no reflection, and their hunger for blood can be quenched with animal blood. They do not have to feast on humans.

Give My Best Friend Is A Vampire a chance. It’s a really well done film that has a decent soundtrack, a really likeable cast, and a fun plot. It’s the perfect introductory film for new vampire fans. I highly recommend it.